A 7 to 1 Horatio

It’s a well known fact within mathematical circles, spheres and tesseracts that children named Horatio are better at statistics than children with all possible other names. And while the reasons behind this reality have long dominated pediatric psychology research grant allocations, little in the way of hard fact has been unearthed to explain the phenomenon. Is this trend indicative of the premonitory powers of a mother and some sixth sense connection that develops throughout the pregnancy? Or, is it rather that children named Horatio are somehow infinitesimally less scared of mathematical terminology, like say the word “ratio”, and therefore end up feeling slightly more comfortable than their peers in early math classes.

I have to admit, though, that I think wasting time and money trying to figure out why is missing the point, and perhaps more importantly, the opportunity in this field. The real question is what can we name our children to make them good at other things, and how bulletproof is this emerging trend? Can we take it for granted that children named Landis will have easier paths to become successful real estate speculators than, say, competitive cyclists?

Names certainly are a tricky business. Take NFL wide receiver Peerless Price for example.    In the last two years, he’s had a grand total of 51 catches for just over 600 yards and 3 touchdowns. 122 other receivers had more catches than him in 2005, so it seems to me that by any objective measurement, he probably should have been named something like Peerful or Just-Barely-Good-Enough-to-Be-in-the-League Price. But then again, perhaps he only made it to the NFL because of his name. It’s at least possible that without a name like Peerless, he would have practiced a little less hard in high school, taken college ball a little less seriously, and who knows, perhaps he would have ended up a statistician. But I guess that would have screwed up the numbers for all the Horatios, rendering this whole line of thinking moot. Oh well, I guess you could always name your kid Bill. Then at least you have a serviceable name and a fall-back career with the IRS.